Hi

Considering we just celebrated Independence Day 2013, I thought it might be a good time to offer up a little insight into freeing ourselves from some of our ickiest, stickiest secrets.  You know, those unlovable parts of us we hate to admit we have and yet we can see so easily in those around us.  

Often times those people in our lives that trigger us the most, are doing just that - showing us parts of ourselves we refuse to claim, own or even look at in many cases.  It's just too scary to go there.  After all, even looking at those dark patches is terrifying because they feel so unlovable.  

And to lose love is equal to death in our survivor brain.  So owning those patches can feel like life or death, which is why they get pushed back so far in our awareness.  But in the spirit of the holiday, I say 'Give me liberty, or give me death!'

For those of you wishing for some independence of your own, plow ahead.  If you aren't in the mood, you can just jump to the bottom of the page where I have a special offer for those who want a little more quality time for themselves with or without the nasty bits coming into play.  

Okay - Let Freedom Ring - follow me!

First you have to pick one person you trust, someone who really knows you well.  For some of you it's a therapist or life coach.  Just choose one person you know won't judge or blame and sees the whole of you rather than one piece or slice of you. 

Next you want review something that really pushed your buttons.  I mean something that set you off emotionally.  You'll know the right one when you still get worked up thinking about it and the argument in your head is still raging.  Or you cry when you think about it.

Yep, that's the one.  Now sit down with that friend and dig down underneath the situation.  Go past the facts or words or actions to the story that you have going on about what it means.  For example, I had a dear friend of decades say something so hurtful it worked me up for weeks afterwards, raging or crying when I thought of it. 

Here's what's underneath the facts, I hate the fact that I am emotional when I can't control it in public.  I'm fine with a good private cry or temper outburst.  But let the general public see it and suddenly I feel naked, small and shamed.  In my head that is WEAK when I do it.  And weak is a dangerous and unforgivable thing for me to to be in my old story.  

Guess what, my friend has a similar judgement working in her mind, in her life!  What's funny is I've gotten so far as to be glad and grateful when others can be emotional in public, I just hadn't gone all the way to giving myself permission.  The timing was right for change, and from the perfect person, too.

In working through this trigger and knowing this person to be a treasured friend with a long, long history of love and support.  I couldn't just walk away from something that bothered me so much.  Voila - what a gift.  

I've had to wrestle through it, talk it through and get to the place where I am good with what the truth is underneath the emotions.  I went to a trusted colleague who would support me in getting to the bottom of it without the old blame and shame game kicking in.

The shame game leaves no survivors.  Here's the dirty truth that keeps most of us prisoners when we play that game.  The minute you turn the blame and shame on someone else, you've locked yourself in the cell right next to them.  Hello.

Your Brain reads making a 'wrong' choice, saying a 'bad' thing or feeling a 'nasty' impulse as THE PERSON is bad, wrong, unacceptable. Life or Death again.  Instead you want to get to a place where you can really separate a comment, action or feeling from the whole person.  Good people say stupid things.  Wonderful friends can make cruel or ugly remarks.  We ALL do it...

The challenge is not throwing the baby out with the bath water.  Can we accept, forgive and move on?

How do you do that... back to the friend and transformation time.  When you are sitting with the friend - you want to set a time limit for the 'freedom march' in your mind or heart.  I recommend 90 minutes.  Spend the first 30 minutes getting it off your chest and then doing something silly to follow it up.  The friend is there to both be witness to you and keep you from getting into the blame and shame game with a simple 'safe' word.  (email me if you really want the full scoop on going deeper)  Lather, rinse, repeat the process during the 90 minutes. Purge, accept yourself, play.  Don't worry about the person who triggered it - your focus is YOU.

The goal is not to make you bad or the other person bad when you do it, it's simply to reframe it.  Because every time you go there with blame your brain is receiving depth charges.  You feel better for a moment then the explosion happens at a deep level and the debris floats up to make you feel worse about yourself, the situation or the other person later.  Retrain your brain so you can't detonate on yourself when you get these situations out in the open.  Focus on what you feel, think, want - NOT the person or situation triggering you. 

Once I purge, I like to play with a rubber ball I got out of a gum ball machine.  You choose!  Then work through the story underneath the trigger with a friend who can see your fears, doubts unlovable bits without judging or minimizing.  Their job is to just accept and listen and then play with you.  It's powerful to play while doing this...it reassures the brain that life goes on and helps put the struggle in perspective.  

Above is a picture of the line that separates inside lines and outside lines.  Those of you with heart and head lines that end on an inside finger, (birdie finger for heart line or ring finger for head line) you have a little harder time getting into that play space. It is REALLY good for you to have someone to help you.  Doesn't matter whether you are curved or straight heart lines, when it ends on the inside of the line you benefit enormously from help with this process because opening up is less comfortable for you. 

If you have heart line that ends under the first finger or head line that ends under your little finger, you can do this process for yourself but you usually don't want to - you like company when you work things out like this.  

The important thing is to be witness to yourself working through the process of being responsible for your part in any situation where you are being triggered.  Then when a healthy boundary is called for you can do it so much more powerfully and free to love the other person even when their actions are completely unacceptable.  It helps cure the power imbalance that keeps us defending instead of solving.  Now that's a shift worth showing up for.  

And let me tell you, that's freedom!  Here's hoping you really do enjoy some independence this year.  I wish you the joy of knowing you are lovable even with those unlovable bits lurking about waiting to be transformed into just another truth about you, one that is bearable even if it's not attractive.  

Lisa Greenfield

TruthinHand